Return of Pure Evil: 64 Advanced U DS Wiiware Dreamcast for Kinect
by VGS2
Summary: The Smash Brothers' weekly get-together ends in catastrophe with the return of a powerful foe... (Rated M for disturbing scenes and mild drug usage)


Mushroom City

Blue Toad shuddered, almost dropping some of the produce he had bought to bring back to the castle. Not that it would have mattered if they dropped, really. Everyone in this kingdom always ate things that had been on the ground for disturbing amounts of time.

Either way, he continued to shudder. He was in no way a fan of walking through deserted alleyways, especially at night time in foggy weather. What if a bandit suddenly appeared and stole all of the power-ups he was carrying? He wouldn't have anything to give to the Mario Brothers to help them save Princess Peach after her next kidnapping, and that would make him feel guilty! The mushroom retainer quickened his pace. He knew this shortcut was a bad idea...

Every step he took gave his heart another ten thumps per second, and his breathing could probably be heard from over three worlds away... He really needed to steady his nerves before he had a panic attack and passed out.

The nervous mushroom began to hum a song that he had heard many years ago during a very surreal dream of his. It was a fun, bouncy little tune that made him feel as if he was inside a character select screen, or a room with a giant slot machine, or something.

Regardless of what it reminded him of, it helped him calm down. Now he would hopefully stop dropping all of his stuff, and- ...Oh? As soon as the thought crossed his mind, his feet lightly kicked something. Reaching down, he saw that it was... a bottle of pills?

"Huh, now who dropped pills here?" Blue Toad quietly muttered to himself as if it would help him find the answer.

The toadstool thought about it for a minute. After some consideration, he decided that it was probably his bottle of pills. Oh, how silly of him. They must have fallen out while he was shuddering. He was glad nobody saw that!

...But wait, he never bought any pills. How strange... After pondering about this for a few seconds, Blue Toad shrugged. He must've just forgotten he'd bought them. It wouldn't be the first time! He remembered the day that he had visited the Desert World and had found twenty frog suits left piled up inside his bag, completely forgotten. It made sense, though. Nobody, himself included, ever used them because of how precious they were. Or was that useless? The toad could never remember...

Putting the colorful bottle back into his bag, Blue Toad continued on his merry way. It wouldn't be long now until he was out of the back areas of Mushroom City, and he really couldn't wait to-

"_Wahooo...!_"

...What was that? Blue Toad looked around, but saw nothing in the misty darkness. After a few seconds of continued searching, he shrugged and kept walking. It was probably just his imagination.

"_Yippie...!_"

Okay, he certainly heard that. Blue Toad was close to dropping the shopping again, as well as anything that may have been in his lunch earlier. "H-h-hello?"

"_Ohhh, niiice...!_"

...He had to get out of here! Using his quick feet, he shot forwards with a burst of speed, not caring about any goods he lost along the way. He could buy some more groceries later, but he couldn't buy back his own life!

He ran as fast as his little feet could carry him. No matter how quickly he tried to run, though, it never stopped feeling like his feet were slowly wading through cement. Oh, if only the princess had sent Yellow Toad to do the shopping instead of him!

He continued to run until he realised that the area seemed to be getting darker. At first, the darkness confused him, though it didn't take long for him to realise why the shadows were growing around him.

"O-oh no..." he muttered. "End of the road!"

In front of him was an insurmountable dead end. Blue Toad's blood ran cold. This wasn't good for business!

He turned around to try and find another escape route. However, doing so proved to be pointless. The thing he had heard from before...

...it was here.

In absolute terror, Blue Toad dropped to his knees and cowered. "P-please, h-have mercy!" Doing this felt snively, sure, but he didn't want to game over! He was too young to use a continue!

Before he could wet himself any further, a gloved hand reached from the darkness, and... handed him his bottle of pills? Looking up, he realised that the shadowy figure looked like someone he knew! Heck, it almost looked like... "Oh, it's- it's you! Boy, am I glad to see ya! I thought I was toast! Haha! ...Er, say, what're you doing with those pi- _gmphhh_!?"

* * *

><p><span><strong>Capsule 1<strong>: _Chill_

* * *

><p><span>Donkey Kong Island<span>

"[Are you sure you'll be alright with this, little buddy?]" Donkey Kong asked, being the worrier that he was.

Diddy sighed. "[Relax, DK! It's been years since the kremlings stuffed me into that barrel. I've gotten waaay way stronger since then!]" He flexed his big, strong muscles for emphasis.

"[Well, okay! See ya later then, Diddy!]" And with that, Donkey Kong grabbed a vine and climbed up into the trees, ready to go and meet his fiancée, Candy Kong.

Diddy got into position at the entrance of the Banana Hoard and sat down. Finally, he was the thing's guard for today! He was starting to believe that DK would never let him live down that one incident from all those years ago. Stupid krusha...

Oh well, this was his first ever shift since that day, so he was sure as heck not gonna mess it up this time!

Suddenly, he heard a noise in the bushes. At first, Diddy ignored it, thinking it was probably some animal from the jungle, but the shaking didn't stop. In fact, it was getting louder!

Diddy took out his peanut popguns and aimed them at the bush. He put on his bravest face and performed some strategic shivering to intimidate the enemy. "[Wh-who's there? That better not be a k-k-krusha!]"

He took a step forwards, shaking even more to... apply pressure to the kremling spy. "[I-I'm warning you! I'm armed! I'M ARMED WITH PEANUTS!]"

Before he could step forwards again, the figure burst out of the shrubs and tackled him! Diddy initiated his war cry, which to some people might have sounded like girly screaming, but Diddy knew better.

Eventually, his assailant managed to pin him down though an extremely lucky coincidence. Diddy felt more terrified than he had ever been in his entire life! This was the end for him! He had used his last balloon! He- ...could smell a familiar banana-scented perfume.

"[...Hey, Dixie,]" Diddy grumbled.

The blond-ponytailed girl rolled on the floor laughing. "[Ahahaha! You shoulda seen the look on your face! Teeheehee!]"

"[Hmph, c'mon, Dix! That wasn't funny, it was mean...]"

Dixie wiped the tears from her eyes. "[Oh, don't be like that, Dids! You have to admit, it was pretty good.]"

"[Yeah, hilarious. You're such a goof, Dix!]"

Dixie giggled. "[Sooo, what'cha doin', anyway?]"

"[DK let me guard his banana hoard for the entire day. I think I'm doing pretty well!]" Diddy said, his voice filled with pride.

"[Hm, okay! Yeah, as long as no big, bad monkey girls show up to intimidate you, I'm sure you're perfect for the job!]" Dixie said, giggling to herself again.

"[Hmph! I thought you were a... a kruncha, or something. You know how bad those guys can be!]"

"[True enough... having to deal with them made fighting the krumples feel really easy, honestly.]"

"[...The heck's a krumple?]"

Dixie took out a smoothie cup from... somewhere and sipped on it. "[Ehh, nothing to worry about. So, why is DK making you guard his hoard?]"

"[So he could spend some time with Candy, I guess.]"

"[Huh... so Donkey has a sweet tooth, does he? We should swap gumballs sometime!]" She pulled a bag of gumballs out from, again, somewhere for emphasis.

"[What? No Dix, I mean Candy Kong. His girlfriend!]"

"[Ohh, ok then. Makes sense.]" Dixie suddenly got grumpy. "[Hey, how come you never take me on dates? Some gentleman you are!]" She crossed her arms.

"[Aww, c'mon, Dix, it ain't like that!]" Diddy said, flustered. "[Hmm... hey, how about we go to the beach tomorrow? I hear it'll be real sunny!]"

"[Hmm... okay!]" Dixie said, her mood perky once again. That was easy! "[I guess I'll just hang with you for a while, then.]"

"[Yeah, fine by me!]" Hearing that, Dixie smiled and sat down next to Diddy, wrapping an arm around him.

They sat like this for a long while, happy in each other's embrace. After a while, Dixie decided to strike up some conversation. "[So, why are you guarding the Banana Hoard, anyway? It's not often you or Donkey do anything like that unless you know the kremlings are coming.]"

"[This morning, DK found some suspicious pills here somewhere, apparently. He didn't wanna let Candy down, so he asked me to guard the hoard.]"

"[Huh, odd... Are you sure they weren't Cranky's?]"

Diddy shook his head. "[Nah. He won't take his pills anymore, since they stopped making them in 8-bits, so probably not.]"

"[Huh... that explains all that weird 'gaming' stuff he talks about, then.]"

Diddy was about to reply, but then he heard something. Listening carefully, it sounded like... the bushes again? Well, it certainly wasn't Dixie this time, so what could it be? Uh oh, what if it's...?

"[...Huh? What's wrong, Diddy?]" Dixie asked, giving him a worried look.

"[The bushes... they're rustling again!]" Diddy bravely sprang to his feet and brandished his peanut popguns again. "[Don't worry, Dix! I'll keep ya safe!]"

Dixie rolled her eyes. "[Pthh, puh-leese! First of all, it's probably just an animal, and second of all, you think you can protect me when you're shaking like some jelly?]"

Looking down at his guns, he realised that Dixie was right. He couldn't aim at the ground consistently, let alone forwards. "[...I'm in anticipation, t-that's all.]"

Sighing, Dixie stood up and walked towards Diddy. "[C'mon, Dids. There's nothing to fe-]"

Without warning, something white leapt out of the shrubbery! "WAHAAAA!"

Startled, both the Kongs clung to each other for dear life and yelled loudly. After a few seconds of not being assaulted, Diddy cautiously opened an eye to see that their attacker was none other than...

"[Oh hey, it's you! Phew, you had us going there.]" Diddy let go of Dixie and faced the person in front of him, though Dixie still kept her arms around him. "[Relax, Dix. Look who it is!]"

Dixie peeked around Diddy's shoulder and, realising who it was, let go of Diddy, blushing. "[Oh, hey there. Eheh...]"

"IT'S-A ME! YAHOO!"

Diddy scratched his head. "[Yeah, it's you alright.]" After that, everyone just awkwardly stood there in silence, save for the short dude in front of them.

After several seconds, their guest reached into his pocket and brought out two yellow things. In fact, they kind of looked like...

"[Oh, banana candy! That stuff's the best~! Got any to spare?]" Dixie asked, looking pretty excited. Diddy rolled his eyes in amusement. She always had a real big sweet tooth...

"BELLISSIMO!" their friend yelled, handing both of them to the attractive monkey couple.

Dixie squeed and popped her treat into her mouth almost immediately. "[Thanks, bro!]"

Diddy chuckled and joined in, eating his. "[Yeah, thanks man!]"

The couple chewed down happily. After a few bites, however, Diddy realised that his treat didn't exactly taste like bananas. It tasted icky and bitter! Looking to his side, he saw that Dixie wasn't enjoying her sweet either. She even spat hers out!

"[Ptooey! Hey, what gives!? That wasn't banana flavoured at all!]" Dixie yelled angrily. She did not like it when people messed with her treats.

"[Yeah, man! Giving people rotten candy isn't a cool prank- ...Oh my gosh, Dixie, what's wrong with your fur!?]" She was turning... yellow!? There was no denying it, she was looking less brown and more yellow by the second.

She hurriedly examined her arms. "[...Ack, you're right! Oh no, and you're turning yellow too!]" Diddy looked at his arms and realised in horror that she was right! And all of his fur was starting to fall off too, making him feel very smooth. Smooth like the skin of a...

...Like the skin of a banana.

Their out of control prankster punched the air triumphantly. "YAHOO!"

Diddy licked his fingers and was horrified to clarify that, yes, he tasted exactly like the fruit he was trying to protect! And that wasn't all either; he was shrinking and splitting into bunches! "[Dixie! It's happened! WE ARE THE BANANAS! I TOLD EVERYONE THIS WOULD HAPPEN!]"

Dixie screamed. The same thing was happening to her too, and it didn't look pretty... Unable to stay standing any longer, she rolled over on her bent backside to look at the mad doctor they once knew as a friend. "[What have you dooone!? That was the second worst candy of my life! Do something, man!]"

"FANTASTICO! WAHOO!"

It was hopeless. Both he and his girl were destined to be packed full of protein. Heck, they could even be held and stared at by Iwata.

Diddy sighed shakily. "[Dix...]" She rolled over to face him, "[I think... we're done for. So before we go, there's something I want to say. Something I've wanted to say for a long time...]"

"[Y-yes, Dids?]" Dixie said, with tears in her eyes as the clothes on her back turned into a banana skin. She was ready to hear it...

"...I'M DIDDY! HoOHa!"

"[...What the actual fuck, Diddy!? Our last moment together as a living couple and you decide to quote a racing game I wasn't even in for ten years! You could've said 'I love you' or something!]"

"[Well... I wanted a taste of Rareware one last time...]"

"[Well you won't get a taste of_ me _one last time once we're in Monkey Heaven, that's for sure!]"

"[...Aw peanuts.]"

And with that, the transformation was complete. Diddy could feel his mind, body and soul becoming one with the bananas. It was over...

* * *

><p>"DAWNKEY KAWNG!" yelled Dunkey Kongo as he jumped down from particularly high tree and slammed his hands fists into the ground. He wasn't sure why he started doing this ever since the Tiki Tribe invaded, but man, was it cool!<p>

However, while his cry was spot on, his slam was a bit weak today, and for good reason. "[Aww man, I can't believe it!]" DK Kong said out loud to no one in particular, as he looked up at the orange, sunset-filled sky. "[I was _this_ close to getting my Funky Kong on!]"

How was he to know that she wouldn't be turned on by him yelling 'EXPAND DONG'? Other ladies find that sexy as shit! Probably.

Oh well, there was always next time. It was getting late, so he had to let off his buddy before the chimp's little nuts froze and jammed his gun, or something. Nobody in the Kong family liked it when things freeze...

As he looked both inside and outside the cave, though, he couldn't help but notice that the little chimp was nowhere to be found. "[Diddyyy! Where are you!?]"

Dankey Kang couldn't believe it. His little buddy ditched his duties! What a twerp!

The only thing that stopped DeeKay from going ape was that his bananas were safe, at least. If they went missing, Donk Kong would totally shove Diddy's hat up his banana deposit.

Konkey Dong was about to go off in search of the little banana buggerer until he caught something on his foot.

It was... clothes?

Not whole clothes, though. It was just shredded bits of red and pink clothing, much like the kind Diddy and his girl, Dixie, would wear.

...Donkey Konk groaned and shake his head. Of course! Diddy deserted his post to... get it on like Donkey Kong, so to speak.

"[Darn it, Diddy! You could've waited until later! Jeez...]" That crazy kid. And when he couldn't get any himself, either!

Well, at least he left two exotic pink and red banana bunches behind, both hidden inside their torn clothes.

Monkey Kong licked his mouth lips. He knew exactly how to get back at those two for leaving his precious bananas in peril...

* * *

><p><span>New York<span>

Doc Louis wiped some sweat off of his brow as he took another bite of his beloved chocolate. "Man, this is some workout, eh, Mac Baby?"

Doc turned around to see his boy, Little Mac, running after him in the signature pink jumpsuit that Doc made him wear. Mac looked up and gave Doc a mean ol' look.

"...What? Mashing these bike pedals ain't no joke, son. If I keep exercisin' like this, they might start callin' _me _the little one! Ahahaha!"

Little Mac continued to look annoyed.

"Aw, c'mon, son. Maybe after the training, I'll let you have you bike back! Maybe."

The boy said nothing, but he eye-rolled harder than Doc could ever hope to roll his own eyes. Some folks were just never happy!

Sighing, Doc Louis finished the last bite of his chocolate bar and then reached into his pockets for more. After a bit of rummaging, he suddenly realised that there was no more chocolate on him! Aw shucks!

Worried that the training would have to come to an emergency stop for the day, Doc decided that, for Mac's benefit, he would have to raid the boy's bike bag for some sweet, sweet chocolate.

Ignoring the protests of the boxer behind him, Doc dug deep into Mac's bag. He didn't find any chocolate bars or slices of chocolate cake or flasks of hot chocolate or anything else chocolate related, much to his dismay, but he did find a weird ol' bottle of... pills?

"What're these pills here for, son? I hope you're not gonna start popping drugs before matches now! You saw what they did to King Hippo!"

"...Huh?" Little Mac looked befuddled, like he'd never even seen them before.

A likely story! "Now look here, son! Playing dumb about drugs won't help you win matches! Only hardcore trainin' and staying clean will get you to the top! That and lots of chocolate, of course. Ahahaha!"

Mac raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Doc simply shook his head and went back to rummaging through the kid's bike bag. Thankfully, this straight road never had any people on it, or he'd have gotten more hit and run charges than a Mario Kart character! Ahahaha!

After many seconds of rummaging, Doc found nothing chocolate related. It was hopeless, they were gonna have to end the training session.

"Mac, why do you never pack any spare chocolates? I hate to say it, but our 50 mile run's gonna have to end early today." Doc chose to ignore the happy look on Mac's face. "It's alright though, son. We'll do double the amount tomorrow to make up for it! Ahaha- woah!"

Suddenly, Doc crashed into something! Luckily for him, he was going slowly before crashing, or else he'd have probably spilt a different kind of chocolate in his pants. Ahahaha!

Little Mac ran over and helped poor the trainer up onto his feet. Thankfully, Doc wasn't too banged up from his crash. It was nothing a good chocolate bar couldn't fix, anyway.

Looking over, Doc saw that the thing he'd crashed into... wasn't a thing at all. It was a person! In fact, it looked like... "Hey, I know you! Mac, you call a plumber, lately? Ahahaha!"

The plumber in question excitedly jumped high into the air. "WAHOO!"

Little Mac took a look at the bystander and made an "Ah!" sound in recognition. Doc was glad that even after all these years, the boy could recognise his old referee! Then again, that man was more popular than Mickey the Wombat, or whatever that thing was, so Doc wasn't way too surprised.

"Say, son, why're you all dressed up like a pharmacist? You swapping jobs again, or somethin'?" Doc asked, noticing that he lost the hat, got a coat, a doctor's light and a stethoscope.

"YIPPIE! AH HAHA!"

Not expecting that response, Doc scratched his head. "...Er, okay."

After that weird outburst, the doctor reached into Mac's bike bag and pulled out the pills from earlier. Ahh, Doc got it, now! Those weren't Mac's at all; the pills belonged to this man.

Doc shook his head. "Mac baby, I can't believe you'd steal pills from this guy! And here I thought you were a good kid!"

Little Mac groaned loudly. Probably because the kid knew he'd been caught red handed!

"LET'S-A GO!" the pharmacist plumber yelled, reaching into the bottle and pulling out a colorful pill. He then offered it to Doc.

"Oh, are these vitamin pills, son?"

The doctor nodded. "OKIE DOKIE!"

"Oh, of course! No wonder you were so intent on nabbing 'em, Mac! If this guy says they're good for ya, then they must be! Ahahaha!" Ignoring Mac's flustered shrug, Doc popped the health pill.

Afterwards, he felt... different. Those pills must have been some real fast-working ones! A few more of these and he'd probably be the one fighting Mac in the ring next! Laugh out loud.

Before he could picture the scenario, though, Doc could smell the familiar scent of... chocolate!

Following the smell with his nose, he soon realised that his arm was very sweet smelling. He gave it a lick to investigate.

...He was choctastic! "Ohhh, sweet Jesus, Mac! I'm the chocolate! Stop me, son!"

The boy was confused until Doc tore his whole own arm off and started eating it. Scared to sin, the little boxer grabbed Doc's other arm to stop his chocolate feeding frenzy.

Seconds later, powered by his mad lust for chocolate, Doc punched the boy several feet away and then began eating his own leg off! And then his other arm!

By the time Little Mac came to, it was too late; Doc was just a simple, talkin' head. "Oh dear, son. I think I got a bit carried away. Ahahaha!"

With tears in his eyes, the boy fell to one knee and, in his despair, spoke his very first words. "AWW, BOB SAGET!"

Doc Louis tried to shake his head sympathetically, which only ended with his head flopping over. "Don't cry, Mac! I lost!"

"It's over, son," Doc continued. "My appetite for chocolate is just too much. But before I go, I only have one more thing to say. Just for old times' sake." Doc Louis cleared his throat, or what was left of it, anyhow. "...JOIN THE NINTENDO FUN CLUB TODAY! MAC."

Tearfully, the boy nodded, and quickly signed his details into an old Nintendo Fun Club signup sheet, officially granting the dying trainer his last ever wish.

A chocolaty tear fell down Doc's cheek. "Good job, son. Good job."

Then, with one last "Ahahaha!" ol' Doc ate himself to death.

Little Mac wanted to mourn his former mentor, but the mad doctor was moving closer and Mac wanted none of that. Holding back his tears, Little Mac got onto the bike he hadn't ridden for over twenty years and pedalled for his dear life.

The boy managed to cycle at least half a mile before he heard a low rumble behind him. With a whole bunch of dread building up inside him, Little Mac turned his head around to see the scariest sight any man could ever see.

There was the evil doctor chasing after him in a go-kart at 150 miles per hour. "HEEHEE! I GOT EET!"

Once the doctor got close enough, he brought out a spiky, blue pill with wings and then threw it with all his might. Mac only had seconds to scream before he was run down mercilessly with a nasty, medical explosion.

When the kid woke up from the floor, he realised that he wasn't little no more. His muscles were at least ten times bigger, making him look more like a truck than a boxer!

Ol' Doc was right, folks. You should never pop pills, or else you'll turn into a big 'roid beast like Mac Baby, here. Realising this, Little Mac -or should that be... Big Mac- roared in anger. Or sadness. Or even happiness. Nobody could be sure, son, it just sounded like roaring.

Before he could do anything else, the doctor jumped out of his kart and slammed a red cap onto Mac's head. After that, a funny looking moustache immediately grew out of the boy's face, signifying the end of his freedom...

Now I hear you all asking: "How is ol' Doc still in one of them POV things if he's dead?" Well, I'm a ghost now, folks! Ahahaha!

...I mean 'he's' a ghos- Oh, who the heck am I kidding, son? Third person ain't my style! What do you think Doc is, one of them crazy, boxing rabbit monsters? Now quit reading and gimmie a chocolate.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER CLEAR<strong>

**TRY NEXT**

* * *

><p><strong>Speed: <strong>31/10 (October)/2014 (Happy Halloween!)

**Virus Level:** 4,182

**The general surgeon warns: **Dying is bad for your health, so don't do it.

* * *

><p><strong>Next up: <strong>Pills


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